Bleeding · On · These · Pages

things have been very busy, but good, lately.

going to school three days a week. monday wednesday and friday. taking: statistics, intro to sociology, writing, and sociology of technology. it's not a horrible schedule. i'm not a fan of having an 8am class though. with the commute i'm up way too early for my own good. so, i'll remember to try my best never to do that again.

working a little bit as well. two or three days a week. this week, luckily, only two. yeah, i'll be low on money, but when i worked full shifts on days i didn't have class, i wanted to die a little. i'm not so used to all of that. i'm more so used to being lazy. and i don't have too much of a chance to do that lately.

kenny and i made dinner about two weeks ago (i think. i wanted to write about it then. but i was too tired) it was really good though. pasta with sausage and vegetables. also fresh baked breadsticks as well, of course. (which kenny did a very good job making pretty.)

can i say that i miss drunken nights? ok.

the dye in my hair is almost ready to come out, so, i'll have to write something more soon.

i've been working a lot.
i have a good pay check waiting to be put in the bank.
my step dad owes me nearly two hundred dollars.
the holidays were very nice.
kenny spoiled me rotten.
beautiful new claddagh ring that i stare at consitantly.
wonderful new video i pod that i am currently in love with.
my parents got me a nice printer for my digi cam which i will have to begin to use soon.
i spent christmas eve baking.
i spent christmas at kenny's house.
spent new years with kenny and his friends.
spent the early morning puking and dry heaving.
kenny told me "i love you rich".
it was a retarded drunken evening.
turned into a hungover day.
haven't been working as much since holiday ended.
that's ok with me.
have to take a math test for stony brook tomorrow morning.
went out with kenny aj and rich.
had fun.
this morning found out matt has cancer.
no fun.
keeping him in my thoughts and prayers.

holiday is going to be super tough, i can feel it already. who knows when i'll have the time to go out christmas shopping. it's going to be super crazy.
i got out almost 20 minutes late today. maryanne wouldn't let me go at 9, when i was supposed to get off, and when my ride was there, because everything wasn't completely finished. but every other time my ride has come, she told me it was no problem for me to go. fucking bi-polar i swear. the store didn't even look that bad.
that's not even the thing that gets me upset. i'm really going to have to talk to her tomorrow.
now, i understand that holiday is really important. and that the store is going to be super busy. and that everyone has responsibilities. but here's my thing, i have a responsibility towards my family.
we're having family christmas on the 4th in connecticut. my grandparents have even flown up. everyone's getting together. it's tradition. and i actually like it.
so i tell her, that i'm really sorry, and that i can work every other day that week, except for the fourth. she tells me that i'm going to have to work sometime that day.
ok, so i'll just jog back from connecticut and be there because you need me that badly when i'm sure you don't.
i really don't want to go into the whole fucking sob story. but i think i'm going to have to. and i really hope it doesn't result in me crying at work. although i've seen more crying at this job than any other.
but seriously...i hate to think about it, but my grandma's up for christmas. i've already missed family events because i've been working. i don't get to see her very often because she lives in florida. so these family get togethers mean a lot to me. there's a limit to life, you know. i mean, it's fucking brain cancer. and, it's my grandma.
i don't even like thinking about it. i almost try to pretend it's not happening to her.
and it's the holidays. maybe not technically the holidays yet. but this is our family holiday time. and i really really really want to spend it with my family. not fucking slaving over everyone elses friends and family.
fucking friends and family day. my family won't be there because they'll be having christmas. but i might have to be there.
fuck that.
i'll get a warning, get fired, whatever. i'm calling in sick that day if she doesn't give me off. i'm sick of missing out on my family for her. she means nothign to me. money isn't all that important. my grandma means everything to me. and family is what's important.

kenny's ex to be exact.
ew. she wasn't in the picture at all, and then out of the blue she starts im'ing him. trying to talk to him. asking him if they're friends. trying to remind him of all of their good times. trying to get him sentimental. trying to get herself back into his life.
he says he wants nothing to do with that. thank goodness.
ugh. bitch. go away. thanks.
yeah, i'm a little possesive with this one.
it's that whole, love, thing.

are some of my absolute favorite.
kenny picked me up after he got off of work. we stopped at starbucks. then went back to his place, cuddled on his couch, watched a movie, had some snacks.
i love just laying my head on his chest with my arms around him. him telling me he knows i can hold him tighter. i squeeze. he tells me how much he loves me.
soft kisses. tighting of our arms around eachother. holding hands. just looking at eachother.
it's all so wonderfully comfortable.
it's nights like those that make me feel so content, at ease, and pleased with life.
and to come home and see a clear sky. all the stars. and to kiss him goodnight under that.
love. love. love.

oh.
and i'm super excited.
not even a week until boston.
the pru, newbury street, gainsboro, the common, fire and ice, the club, drinking, beirut, thai food, espresso royal (mango tea), the city in general.
and to have kenny there with me.
yay.

i have cramps.
i'm going to go eat something.
and then work all day.
but you know what...i really can't say i mind all that much.
i'm just in too good of a mood :)


oh, and yesterday i bought an iTrip. i love it.

sometimes i don't like this house. i don't feel comfortable really yet. i don't know all the knooks and crannies. i don't know the certian noises it makes when there's silence.
that's why it's so hard for me to fall asleep at night. my overactive imagination plus lots of little noises, that i'm sure are perfectly normal, just not yet to me, keep me up.
and i heard a few tonight. before i sat here to type about it.
i need my sleep and i'm sick.
i guess i should just put on my tv and fall asleep to that.

it sucks a lot
i spent my night doing absolutely nothing productive
i guess i'll spend tomorrow doing boring things, like laundry
tomorrow it'll be mine and kenny's four month mark...although i'm sure he's working most of the day
ok
i don't feel like writing in this now
afraid of what i might say at this moment
long day of work + it being ridiculously hot there + being suck =
well..i'm sure you get the jist

i can't find my remote control
damnit
grr...

and i knew that me and kenny had sex. it was a give in. i was there.
but when he further elaborated on details that i didn't remember due to me being drunk, i was surprised.
i guess i talked more, and became a little bit more agressive in certain circumstances. and i had no idea that we were at it for over an hour. i thought it might have been a half hour tops. i guess i was wrong. i mean, it makes sense, we were both pretty tired when it was over. it made me laugh, and i was slightly embarrassed about my actions. oh well. it was good. and we made fun of the faces that we both make during sex, because it's really funny. it's like, the most unsexy thing ever. but amusing. definetly amusing.
and speaking of amazing things
plans, the new death cab album, i like it a lot. john sent me the files today. and i'm going to fall asleep listening to it. re-falling in love with ben gibbard's voice and words once again.

i want to buy a whole bunch of stuff from victorias secret.
i absolutely love the pink collection. i want to find bras that match the underwear i have from that collection, and possibly so pajama stuff. i don't need to. but i think it'd be nice to have!
i think my shopping habit is getting worse. at least i know my window shopping habit is.
working in retail kicks my bank accounts ass!!

yesterday was my mom's birthday. i took the day off to spend with her.
we went to the movies. saw elizabeth town. it was really bad.
then we went to paces steak house. (by we i mean george, mom, kenny, & myself)
that...was really good. i just realized i had leftovers, and i didn't eat them today...which means they're probably gone :( damnit. i didn't even check. filet mignon. mmmmmm.
today i had a dr's appt. got a new prescriptions for otc-lo, which thankfully i will start the sunday after my next period. i can't wait to go back on the pill. seriously. b/c coming off it...frankly, for me, it sucks.
according to the dr's office i weigh 124. w/ clothes on. but still, it made me a little sick to hear that. so i think i might really have to cut down on what i eat. that's almost 10 lbs away from where i'd rather be. ugh. i never thought i'd be that sort of girl. i really don't want to turn into it too much either. i dunno. i mean, i said that it sucked to hear that, and then i went to burger king.
gotta get back to doing those crunches. maybe hit up a gym type deal w/ kenny once a week, just to get both of our selves back in a routine of working out. i'm sure he'll work out much harder than i will, but he's used to that sort of stuff, i'm not. i guess i'm lucky i'm as thin as i am without doing much of anything at all, and eating like i do.
so after that i napped, and then worked from 4-1. i'm working 4-1 again tomorrow. and then i believe 11-7 thursday. and i think 1-10 on friday. fun stuff. (hear my sarcasm?) although i do get paid this week. which is pretty sweet. because i have been working a lot lately.
saturday is the wedding with kenny. i get to wear a pretty little outfit that i bought the other week. my mom said she'd buy me shoes. i guess i kind of have to do that tomorrow? maybe? if i wake up early enough. either that or before work on friday. yes, i leave almost everything to the last minute. pretty bad of me, i know.
well, i guess i'll watch this episode of aqua teen...and then fall asleep.
hopefully not to wake up too late tomorrow.
::crosses fingers:: (b/c i do not want to set my alarm)

went to the jets game yesterday
it was surprisingly fun
i really enjoyed spending time with kenny, experiencing something that he really enjoys
i also just love when i get to spend the day with him
today i worked 12-9
we actually got out a few minutes early which was super sweet
tomorrow i'm working the same hours, i might get to see kenny afterwards though
this is going to be a tiring week
but at least i'm making money
i think i might actually head to be in a few minutes
crazy, i know
but i will be up at 9:33am to start off another long work day

i just did a lot of laundry
and without really thinking about it, washed this little sweater i have from the gap
took it out of the dryer
yeah
now it fits my dog perfectly
good thing i bought that thing with a discount
and at least someone can get use out of it
goddamnit
i'm an ass

also
i have been sitting in my house all day
it makes me want to scream
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok
virtual scream
good enough for now
i'm too lazy to actually make the noise

and i'll be spending it...
doing laundry
and cleaning
because i got an angry e-mail from my mom last night
i was going to do it anyway today
excuse me for working all week
oh, and holy hell, sometimes, i like to go out after work
::gasp::
i want....a life?????
yeah, so that's not going to get to me
i have off today
work tomorrow
off sunday
work monday-thursday
then off friday and saturday
not too bad
and i'm still working like, 32 hours next week, and i get a pay check, which is seriously awesome.

last night
worked from 2-10. wasn't too bad. got a little preview of some of the new women's stuff. it's not bad. i can't wait til more comes in. i at least saw these cute shirts that are like, waffle/thermal, that button down low in the front. i can't see them costing very much, so i hope they fit me.
i hope we start getting some new denim in. or at least replenishments, because we're running low on a lot of styles. but it'd be nice to see a new wash or two.
after work i went out with kenny and his friends, justin, rich, and cathy. my ass was grabbed. i had a few drinks. amaretto sours are candy to me. just throw in a straw. poof. you're done.
and i had come from work, so i looked on the side of business casual, but i had a tub top and sweater in kenny's trunk, so i convinced the guy to let me go to the car, and i changed in the parking lot. yes. i am that talented. um. pretended to dance for a little while. it got really hot. left with justin, dropped him off, went back to kenny's house. relaxed. fell asleep. he didn't feel like waking up. minor scuffle. talked about it on the way home. made up. came in. passed out.
all in all. a good night.
i hope to have more like it. (minus the scuffle, of course, lol)

today
while doing laundry and cleaning
i must find out why my toe is numb
i don't get it
it's been almost 3 or 4 days now
>.

kenny called me up around 10 this morning to say he was late for work so they told him to just take a sick day. it just happened to be absolutely fucking gorgeous outside, so he suggested we go into the city. awesome.
so i showered, got ready, and we hopped on the train.
went to penn. got some starbucks. took the c to the natural history museum shop. walked through central park to the met. walked around the met for a bit. saw the giant dildo and the tibetan death shroud. (probably two of my favorite things at the met right now)
then we walked down madison ave. for a while, then walked over to 5th. walked a lot. hopped in a few stores. fao schwartz, tiffany's, ya know, nice stuff. tried hailing a cab for way too long. got more starbucks. cut my finger on the met pin in my pocket. bled for a little while. finally got a cab and went over to his sister gina's place.
then the three of us headed out to this place, i believe called one. it was really nice. we ordered a bunch of food which was amazing. (also my only meal of the day). had a few drinks. a really grossly warm shot of soco, which made me feel ill for ten minutes. nothing happened though. i just went into the bathroom, composed myself, and then we were off to meet his other sister, christy, at marquee. which was a really nice place too. it wasn't really open yet, but we went in, and they caught up for a bit.
kenny has work at 7am, and i was feeling super tired at that point, so we headed back to penn, hopped on the train, slept the whole way home. and now here i am.
pretty content.
i have work from 4-10 tomorrow. kenny is going to try to bring the boys into the city to go to marquee for a good night of drinking. i'm jealous. but i gotta work.
i'm working 35hrs next week. seriously, crazy. we're doing flow all week. it's gonna be sick. but i'm sure there'll be a lot of nice stuff. and my paycheck at the end won't be so bad.
i have to put in my other check in the bank. and i need to look for nice shoes to wear.
i'm sick of looking mediocre. for real.
i want to tone up. maybe lose a few pounds. have this hair grow out some more.
really, just put myself together. it can be done i'm sure.
i somehow bit the inside of my mouth, and now i can't shut it without it hurting, cause i keep biting down when i don't mean to. ouch. fucking mouth.
ok...
i haven't really slept very well in the past few days, and since i don't have work until 4 tomorrow, i'm going to try to get some sleep.
goodnight.

so..i'll make a WISH LIST
things i might have to buy, haha, i'm a loser!




...hehe...
maybe maybe i'll buy some of these things soon :)
god, i'm pathetic!! haha
it's ok though :)

GIRLS size XL skort...haha
(this isn't the exact one...but it's similiar...kidna...the one i got was a lighter denim...clearance for like, 10.48)

these sneakers
(seriously, for 16.99, why the fuck not? they're actually pretty damn comfy)



for boredom cured...i went to target...and i was happily surprised with what i found.
i love a good bargain.

plus.
i found the dane cook, harmful if swallowed, there for 10 bucks.  yes. so good.

and.
i bought some new make up.  and i'm going to try it out now.  because....well i have very few things to accomplish tonight.

maybe make another bracelet.
more girly colors this time.
start a sketch of a few hummingbird/f-holes idea.
fix my fucking myspace page, because i'm sick of seeing a grey background.
and maybe clean a little.  but probably not.

the last few days have been nice. going to work. making money. seeing kenny. shopping.
last night after work we went to applebees...stuffed ourselves silly on half price appetizers, watched some happy tree friends, and the big lebowski (which i was seeing for the first time, and i really liked). we made like, this little cuddle area on the floor of his den. blankets and pillows and total comfort. we've done it before, and i like it a lot.
and then when i got home i got this silly idea to start a lj containing things i've written. so i set that up for a while. picking out colors, layouts, and posting a few pieces. (i knew if i didn't do some of it last night, i'd be pissed at myself, and probably forget the entire idea)
so, i didn't get to bed til around 4. maybe after? i couldn't tell you. i was deliriously tired when kenny dropped me off. i don't know how i managed to set up the account.
8 am this morning, my mom wakes me up to see if i have to go to work. yes. at 5:15. i don't need to be up at 8 am. 4 hours of sleep. wonderful. so i try to go back to sleep. but i was tossing and turning until about 9, when i had to pee so badly that i couldn't stand it. pee'd. came back in my room til' about 10. then realized i wasn't going back to bed, so i figure, i'll relax downstairs, have some breakfast. so, i'm barely finished with breakfast when i have to now start food for dinner. seriously. she wakes me up super early and then expects me to help start cooking? i haven't showered. i've barely slept. i'm in a crank ass mood. i try to tell her i just want to sit for a little bit. but she starts getting super pissed, so i get up and just do it and get it over with. it's in the oven right now, and i'm not checking up on it. she said to start it. i started it. i'm done with my end of the deal.
i'm afraid to go back to bed. i'll sleep the day away. i wanted to sleep til' about...now.
i look like crap. dark circles under my eyes. just plain ole' pasty white tired looking.
i have work from 5:15-10. closing. i hope it's not too messy in there. i'm sure it will be. i'll spend my 4.75 hours cleaning up denim. i think melissa's closing though, so i don't think we'll get out of there too late.
maybe i'll nap before work. i might have to. i don't know how i'm awake right now.
ok, enough complaining right now.
i'm just tired and cranky, and needed to get that out.